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{SFTH}   *Grocery Shopping*  5/4/01


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I thought it would be a good time to laugh again, and today's story
by Al Batt made me laugh out loud.  Maybe it is just because I am
a guy, but so many things in his story made me think of my own
grocery shopping experiences.  Anyone else out there relate?
Next e-mail heading your way on Sunday night!
P.S.  For those of you who who are Survivor fans, check out a brand new article on our web site called:  Survivor:  "When Your Tribe Has Spoken."



By Al Batt

My wife, The Queen B, had made sure I had a little spending money
in my pocket and that there was enough gas in my pickup. I had
been working out on the Nordic Track--3 hours a day for 8 months
in preparation.  While I exercised, I listened to tapes of the world's
greatest philosophers and thinkers. She had prepared me both
mentally and physically for the task ahead. She was sending me
to one of our fine supermarkets.  I don't usually go shopping.  I shop
when my wife takes me shopping.  I have been known to go years
without saying, "I'm going shopping."

I drove to the store, while listening to motivational tapes in my pickup.
I entered the store striding the earth like a Colossus.  I saw a huge
room filled with bright displays, countless shoppers and many dangerous,
high speed shopping carts. Intercoms blared as people rushed by in a
helter-skelter fashion.  I tried not to show fear, but the flop sweat
gathering on my upper lip gave me away.  People that work in stores
can sense fear. I sighed a lot.  I saw a number of kids crying.  I joined them. 

Welcome to the wonderful world of shopping!

They know me in this store.  They affectionately refer to me as,
"Clean Up In Aisle Eight."  My wife had given me a shopping list,
but I lost it somewhere between the Batt Cave and the store.  She
puts a lot of thought into these lists, making sure we eat just the
right amounts of the proper foods. I should have been worried that
I had lost this list.  After all, a shopping list is more important to a
shopping-impaired husband than a treasure map is to a pirate.  It
was no problem.  This has happened to me before.  I used to throw
a tantrum when this happened, but no more.  I found the answer. I
did as I always do in this situation.  I followed another guy pushing
a shopping cart around.  I made sure I was following a guy who
had a list.  Then I just put the same stuff he bought into my cart.
It is a simple plan, but it works.

Speaking of shopping carts, there needs to be an operator's license
issued to people pushing these things.  This license would require
the completion of behind the cart training and an eye exam.  It
would save a lot of wear and tear on my shins. There should be
stop signs placed at each one of those currently uncontrolled
intersections in stores.  Why there are not more deaths caused
by shopping cart accidents is beyond me. 

And another thing--the stores all play music--music to shop by.
They should play marches, so we would all march right in, buy
our stuff and march right out.  One of the things I was supposed
to get was the biggest turkey I could find.  My wife had sent the
biggest turkey she could find to find the biggest turkey he could find.
I checked over a bunch of the frozen fowl, but couldn't find any big
enough.  I asked one of the store's employees, "Do these turkeys
get any bigger?"  "No, sir," he replied.  "They are all dead."

I survived my shopping experience--a better, but more nervous man
for the ordeal.  I came home with a few extra items. You can never
have too much food.  Somebody famous said that.... I think it was
John Candy.  I almost bought some pork rinds.  I've never tried the
things.  They look disgusting, so they are probably very good.  I
searched for Krispy Kremes, a cruller good enough to be a member
of HOLE--the Honorable Order of Leavened Edibles.  Remember that
the doughnut hole is nothing more than a breakfast chad. My wife
inspected my purchases. She discovered that I had forgotten the
turkey, but I had come home with 24 slabs of beef jerky, 14 different
kinds of tea, 5 pounds of cinnamon bears, two dozen fried rolls, a
box of White Castle hamburgers, 33 oranges, an industrial-sized bag
of Raisin Bran, 6 cans of Spam, 4 cans of chili, 10 cans of
vegetable beef soup and 49 little things of yogurt too many.
For some unknown reason, The Queen B had neglected to put
these on my list.  Or at least I think she had forgotten--after all,
I had lost the list.

"You bought all of this?" asked my lovely bride.

"Yes," I replied.  "But you should see all the stuff I left in the store."

Al Batt,  ©2001

Send Al an email and let him know what you thought of his story!

Al lives on a farm in Minnesota with his wife, Gail.  Al is a writer, a newspaper columnist, a radio personality, a speaker and a storyteller. 

Al Batt
RR1 Box 56A
Hartland, MN 56042

Thought For The Day:

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected
without trials." --Chinese Proverb

Verse for the Day:

"Take away the dross from silver, and it will go to the silversmith
as jewelry." --Proverbs 25:4

Kid's Thought For The Day:

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."

Parent's Thought For The Day:

"If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment of my chance in life to assist God in a miracle."
--Erma Bombeck

Coach's Thought For The Day:

"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about
getting a nose in condition for football?"
--Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning, 1966.

Deep Thought For The Day:

"A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant."


 My sister in law, Maggie, had surgery for ovarian cancer a couple of weeks
ago and is recovering well from the surgery.  The surgeons found "spots" on
some of her other organs, including the liver.  She starts an eight month
course of chemotherapy next week.  I'm asking for prayers for her and my
mother-in-law, too.
 The reason for the prayers for my mother-in-law is this.  Two summers ago,
her brother had throat cancer and died from the effects of the chemo used to
treat it.  The prospect of chemotherapy for her daughter has her scared out
of her wits.  My SIL doesn't know--she thinks her uncle died of cancer.
 If nothing else, prayers for wisdom and trust in God's everlasting mercy
will help!
 Thanks for the prayers and encouragement of your e-list!
\_\  /  
/_/  \    "For I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but
\_\/\ \   Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body I live for the Son
   \_\/   of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20 

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